Pot Said, She Said

I drank again. It was tuesday after lunch with a friend and still had some liquor left over. but I came home and dumped it. I want to be sober. This last time, i didn't feel the same rush drinking. I got flushed and that sick filling of drinking, the anxiety and shakes. Drinking is just killing me and I need to stay away. I've stayed away from the pot, which i only started to stop the drinking, thinking it was better. but any substance is not good for me. I have to be clear headed right now. I'm keeping busy with going to meetings, and it felt good to be busy today and focused. now only if this feeling can stay. group really helped me get some perspective this time. One day at a time and today I didnt drink. tomorrow is my goal to stay sober and honest.

5 things i'm grateful for: 1. my husband 2. my daughter 3. my sobriety 4. my friends 5. my family

Now I can't figure out how to change my discription, but oh well. I need to write. I'm 17 days sober now. I got home from the mental hospital last night and was not doing well. I went to an AA meeting and remembered why I didn't like that place. I will try a different one tomorrow. I felt so agitated and irritated, I jumped on my husband so when I got home, I took half a xanax and a darvocet for my back, which was hurting like crazy. Life also happens. My daughter called me and I listened, but its hard being a parent. then I got my disability check, well it wasn't what I expected and now have to go back on unemployment, but hopefully no hiccups will happen cause we really need the money. I just don't want to deal with this stuff. Its different inside, you have no worries and yes you focus on you. so now I can only reaffirm what I learned, that its one day at a time. I'll go to outpatient tomorrow and will talk to my doctor about the feelings, I'm sure he...

I was so depressed, I posted something on my facebook how hopeless life was. I took a couple darvocets and next thing I know I have my cousin pounding on my door and as I opened the door, police/paramedics came around the corner. Then I'm in the emergency room being monitored for 8 hours or so, then taken to a mental hospital. I was there 7 days and since I've been out, I have been going to outpatient. I met someone there that I truly like, so much it scares me. Why is it I want what I can't have? I'm never happy completely with what I have but always want something else. My husband is dear to me and is the nicest man that I could ever dream up, but theres something missing and I don't know what. I also don't know if I can help it. Going for a long walk to think and possibly make mistakes. I almost pride myself on the mistakes, because without them, I don't feel as if I'm living. I like to live by my own rules and the world just gets in the way.

okay, so I smoked the last pot I'm going to smoke. But found a can of sparks. not suppose to be drinking either. but i have been wanting to. had a relaspse on monday. and was sent to the hospital two and half weeks ago. was depressed. cry for help. that sort of thing. people have it so much worse than me but yet i'm so miserable. the thing is, that so many people have it better than me is what gets me down. I'm goign to be in trouble when hubby gets home. I'm already starting to get tipsy.

They go a long way. Haven't felt the need to write. also have not been depressed. manic episodes have been to a minimum, but the pot helps that. Trying to stop the alcohol and pot but still ocassionally partake.