Pot Said, She Said

seriously crazy. I hate myself. is that it? I loathe myself? I'm in the middle right now. not sure which way I'll be going.

Still wacky mood swings. Dealing with the best I can but I think since I'm aware i DON'T LET IT RUN AWAY. oops caps. well, I think I'm going to do a solo therapy, I just want to do me. So I will go it alone and see what she says. I've been less high lately, i think my tolerance level is high right now. Got to stop smoking! I think the snowboarding and working/volunteering will help big time.

I haven't wanted to really write. Nothing really going on. I guess I'm in the down mode cause I'm not manic. I can feel the difference. I'm snappy and irritated. Right now I'm just chill though. Semi High, about a 5. Drinking coffee to get me going to do some errands today. Did the paperwork part, now have to do a couple different stops to file paperwork, get notorized, send it in the mail. Pick up a fax.... I've been addicted to battleship. Infact, i'm going there now. My hands are sore from holding the mouse and my bony hands against my laptop.

called love cause i love my husvand. hes the best and i love him so ooooooooo much. so today I went to do a volunteer interview at the courthouse. went good. have to do background and drug test and then I can work. I've decided to work on mondays and thursadys. sounds fun. then I came home. and unfortunelty, i got some alcohol. yes. I did. i thnk it was just the freedome to do it. not that i reallyt wannted it cause I really didn't. really. I didn't. but being able to do it, was a rush. no one watching me, not feeling bad cause i was buying it until after i realized what I did. and well. I said whattever. I don't have any commitements. but then I remembered i have therapy tonight. so..... I must stop. f so it looks like I'll get to volunteer at tghe coursts. awesome. fun times!!! i'll be snowboarding soon. fuin times. except if my mood changes. as I think about it. Scott has many times asked me on the ski lift whats wrong.... He said I look like I don't want...

today is mostly up... i feel like i'm on crack!! I have moments where I'm shaking like i'm on too much caffine. Maybe it was the coffee I drank? I drink espresso, and all I had was one cup of regular coffee and i was so jittery! I guess thats the next thing I need to refrain from. No caffine, unless i'm in the depressed mode. but yet that switches on and off. I find myself crying while watching tv and thinking. It could be a commercial that just makes me sad or my thoughts running wild. Now that I know this about myself, how do I explain this to someone. I'm very erratic at times and by the time I recognize it I think the damage is done, I've tarnished my image. People think I'm weird and its just me trying to be normal. busy day. home sweaty now. have therapy tonight and not sure what I will focus on.

I couldn't think of a title... The weekend was fun. I've been in a manic mood, but I was elated. I can't recall anything momentus on Friday, but Sataurday started off early. My husband, 13 yr old daughter and I went to pick up my grandma from dialysis. I didn't recall how long shes been doing it, but thought she went every four days so the days would fluctuate rather than being every Tuesday, Thursday and Sataurday. It pulled me into reality and made my sad. I had to explain what being on dialysis was to my daughter. I didn't really know details of what being on dialysis means or I wouldn't recognize it because I know I'm not dumb so I've had to have been exposed to it at somepoint and know something about it. She was done, so we took her home where we talked, tried to find her a spanish channel with only Antenna TV that had some programming on besides an infomercial was difficult. I asked her alot of questions about how she met my grandpa and when she c...

Can't write too much, the microwave justed beeped and my lunch is awaiting. I ventured out to find some bipolar blogs. I need to find out how others become successful while being bipolar. My biggest criticisms at work have to deal with things I cannot control, I try and it works most of the time, but its tiring. Its very tiring to watch everything I'm doing and reassess it but all the while I'm multitasking. did I mentioned that this is unedited? I don't prethink what i'm going to write or when i write, just that I'm writing, unedited and unsensored. At least try. I'm high right now. People might not understand the need for marijuana. I first started smoking marijuana to help curb my alcohol cravings. Alcohol was killing me, literally. So I switched to POT which isn't killing me as fast as Alcohol (theres potential lung cancer). Now, it is my vice. I know I need to find something else, and I'm hoping its going to come soon. TIme to eat. hungry.

I'm high, 9 or 10. good stuff. I slept alittle more last night but felt groggy this morning and made myself wake up at 7 something. Its now 859 and I'm heating up a instant bowl of nooldle soup asian style. seasame chicken flavor :) I can smell it ... well I have notes to write down here earlier to reflect on. Its good stuff. so good that I got tired of writing and came to type it here since I'm going to type what I wrote down, doing double duty. So... as my moods go. I was thinking when having a cigarette was that I'm going to share things more with my husband. He hasn't said I don't but I know I don't. Pause Its like wearing different glasses. I'm thinking back on things over the years and realizing some things. Why I did some things and how I reacted and how I felt at the time and how it makes me feel now as opposed to then. Weird stuff. THis is the stuff I think about all the time with everything. I'm constantly going and going. I have to focus m...

I'm Bipolar? That is the link to read more about what is bipolar. I've been diagnosed twice in my life that I had bipolar. The first time was as a result of being on crystal meth for 5 years. I stopped and was dealing with all the bipolar symptoms. But I figured they were just elevated because of the drugs. I just couldn't deal with it and knew I had to live my life. I always had the computer to keep me preoccupied. For the last year I've kept my distance from the internet and have only used it when necessary, not for recreation for the most part. Recently, I took up pulling my eye lashes out again. I've been doing this since I was 12. For the last year, I did not have this symptom. Whammo, I can't stop touching my eyelashes, scraping my eyelid where the lashes turn into their roots in the lash itself, feeling the new roots of a lash that is just growing in the bald spot I've created since I pull my lashes out or rub them or tug at them enough that they fall...

:) not in the writing mood today. I am okay today. nothing too crazy. trying to get winter details squared away. maybe this was a stupid pot idea?

okay, now I'm a 0 or .5 and i'm hyper like a mother. almost like I'm on crack. weird. I think I might actually be crazy, hence my name, cause I know its possibly. I forgot what I came back to write. anyways, just drinking coffee and dreaming of snow. I'm a huge snowboarder and can't wait for the snow. Trying to devise my overnight stays and number of days I'll be able to get in this season. when i remember I'll edit this.

I'm starting this blog to keep my sanity and give me purpose. I'm falling down the rabbit hole and I wasn't even following the rabbit! Or was I? ... da... da..... dahhhhh. Its been awhile since I wrote down anything personal longer than an email to someone. I use to have an online diary, but thats gone now, literally. I haven't been to it and apparently the site is now gone. wait. EUREKA, i just realized that I used the wrong web address. and return I must with an embarrassing mistake. It must really be gone. :( Tomorrow is my therapist appointment and I started writing things down on a pad this morning since I was high and you know when you smoke pot all your ideas seem great. The other problem with potdeas are you don't remember all of them. Or at least I don't. Anyways, I'm writing down my ideas and thoughts so I can express my anguish of thinking all the things that go through my head and also to keep track of all those good ideas. I think when the pot ...