I'm Bipolar?
That is the link to read more about what is bipolar. I've been diagnosed twice in my life that I had bipolar. The first time was as a result of being on crystal meth for 5 years. I stopped and was dealing with all the bipolar symptoms. But I figured they were just elevated because of the drugs. I just couldn't deal with it and knew I had to live my life. I always had the computer to keep me preoccupied. For the last year I've kept my distance from the internet and have only used it when necessary, not for recreation for the most part.
Recently, I took up pulling my eye lashes out again. I've been doing this since I was 12. For the last year, I did not have this symptom. Whammo, I can't stop touching my eyelashes, scraping my eyelid where the lashes turn into their roots in the lash itself, feeling the new roots of a lash that is just growing in the bald spot I've created since I pull my lashes out or rub them or tug at them enough that they fall out. I've also had a hard time sleeping even when before I would be knocked out by the medicine. It feels like I'm on meth. I smoke pot and it makes me think but also talk but thats not even helping in this manic episode I don't know what I should do or how I should handle this.
I still don't feel like cleaning or anything, but I've focused on reading about the bipolar and downloading and setting up my music library. I've lost more lashes today and since I'm suffering from alopecia, I've taken to rubbing my very think spots on the sides of my head. It would look like I shaved my head if I did a Faux hawk. If you have stock in the bosley company or hairclub for men, please pass it this way....
I'm not high on pot yet, so this is a conscious rambling, my ear keeps twittering, its like flashing back between hearing like things are under water. I find its directly related to my typing. I'm testing it now as I type and its weird. Its only in my left ear. Its lessening as I continue this but still lingering. anyways.
I went to therapy last night with my husband. I complained about him. I, in some part, wanted to focus on him. I didn't know how to get out my feelings, as always. I clam up and shut up because I have been taught that its not ok to have an opinion, yet I'm very opinionated. Before thinking I was bipolar, I was seriously thinking I had multiple personalities. I can feel when I'm a different persona, so it didn't really fall into that. Who knows, maybe I do have them, I guess we'll see on this journey.
So last night I bring up a valid complaint, I didn't just make something up or exaggerate something. It was something real, but I had more dire conditions to talk about. Two weeks ago I talked myself out of a depressed, suicidal state. The thought was swirling around. I was going around and around on how I don't matter and I don't make a difference and I will never amount to anything of real substance so what point is there to living. I've been thinking these thoughts for the last two months since I was released from probation on my job.
Now that I read alot about the symptoms, I realize the problems I had and the feelings I felt were my bipolar and helped to play a big part, but I think I controlled it which was hurting me on the inside. I took it though cause I thought all I had to do was get through my probation. When I pass I'll go to the therapist, I'll focus more on me. So , if you can imagine, being let go without a reason was really detrimental to my state of mind. I went back to drinking, but this time I can point out that I was trying to stay happy. I was so sad and pessimistic that I wanted to do anything that might make me happy. Drinking was the only thing that I felt could and was making me happy. At the same time, my body told me to fuck off. I got the DTs from one night of drinking. It was like I just came off a month binge. I've dont the wake up and drink, go to sleep passed out for weeks and after drinking one day, I went into DTs. I was vomiting, I had the shakes, fever.
I felt bad for two days...I have not drank since the thursday before Halloween. I have to remind myself that my body is dying from this stuff. So its one day at a time now. I've tried AA before, but I need to deal with my stuff before I can sit in a room full of people talking about their drinking days (snore).
What I mean by snore is that, as an alcoholic, I've done all the stereo-types and all the stuff that people are hush hush about. In AA, the hush hush comes out and people just share their experiences, well when you have the same experience, I have not found it therapeutic to me. It is for some, just have not been that way so far, it does help a bit and is better than nothing. Yet, I did not want to go when I did have nothing.
Its a double standard or double edge sword? I Know that its better to go to A A than do nothing, yet I chose nothing because I'm uncomfortable at times going to AA for various reasons. Too many to list all of them. I do find myself questioning if its a mood or personality or a feeling and if whatever it is, is it real is this a result of something else, it is in my head, am i overreacting....
anyways, last night even though i brought up my feeling of how my husband is cut off from me and doesnt talk or share things with me and when he gets mad, he keeps it in without even asking me or telling me he is mad. I think he realizes it now and I realize that I need to ask him more about him. I think that I didn't care about him cause he didn't show interest in me. I need to make sure he understands this.... its hard for me to talk to him and tell him things, I feel vulnerable and its not a safe feeling. But it feels so good to be free of the pent up feelings. Its eurphoric...
That is the link to read more about what is bipolar. I've been diagnosed twice in my life that I had bipolar. The first time was as a result of being on crystal meth for 5 years. I stopped and was dealing with all the bipolar symptoms. But I figured they were just elevated because of the drugs. I just couldn't deal with it and knew I had to live my life. I always had the computer to keep me preoccupied. For the last year I've kept my distance from the internet and have only used it when necessary, not for recreation for the most part.
Recently, I took up pulling my eye lashes out again. I've been doing this since I was 12. For the last year, I did not have this symptom. Whammo, I can't stop touching my eyelashes, scraping my eyelid where the lashes turn into their roots in the lash itself, feeling the new roots of a lash that is just growing in the bald spot I've created since I pull my lashes out or rub them or tug at them enough that they fall out. I've also had a hard time sleeping even when before I would be knocked out by the medicine. It feels like I'm on meth. I smoke pot and it makes me think but also talk but thats not even helping in this manic episode I don't know what I should do or how I should handle this.
I still don't feel like cleaning or anything, but I've focused on reading about the bipolar and downloading and setting up my music library. I've lost more lashes today and since I'm suffering from alopecia, I've taken to rubbing my very think spots on the sides of my head. It would look like I shaved my head if I did a Faux hawk. If you have stock in the bosley company or hairclub for men, please pass it this way....
I'm not high on pot yet, so this is a conscious rambling, my ear keeps twittering, its like flashing back between hearing like things are under water. I find its directly related to my typing. I'm testing it now as I type and its weird. Its only in my left ear. Its lessening as I continue this but still lingering. anyways.
I went to therapy last night with my husband. I complained about him. I, in some part, wanted to focus on him. I didn't know how to get out my feelings, as always. I clam up and shut up because I have been taught that its not ok to have an opinion, yet I'm very opinionated. Before thinking I was bipolar, I was seriously thinking I had multiple personalities. I can feel when I'm a different persona, so it didn't really fall into that. Who knows, maybe I do have them, I guess we'll see on this journey.
So last night I bring up a valid complaint, I didn't just make something up or exaggerate something. It was something real, but I had more dire conditions to talk about. Two weeks ago I talked myself out of a depressed, suicidal state. The thought was swirling around. I was going around and around on how I don't matter and I don't make a difference and I will never amount to anything of real substance so what point is there to living. I've been thinking these thoughts for the last two months since I was released from probation on my job.
Now that I read alot about the symptoms, I realize the problems I had and the feelings I felt were my bipolar and helped to play a big part, but I think I controlled it which was hurting me on the inside. I took it though cause I thought all I had to do was get through my probation. When I pass I'll go to the therapist, I'll focus more on me. So , if you can imagine, being let go without a reason was really detrimental to my state of mind. I went back to drinking, but this time I can point out that I was trying to stay happy. I was so sad and pessimistic that I wanted to do anything that might make me happy. Drinking was the only thing that I felt could and was making me happy. At the same time, my body told me to fuck off. I got the DTs from one night of drinking. It was like I just came off a month binge. I've dont the wake up and drink, go to sleep passed out for weeks and after drinking one day, I went into DTs. I was vomiting, I had the shakes, fever.
I felt bad for two days...I have not drank since the thursday before Halloween. I have to remind myself that my body is dying from this stuff. So its one day at a time now. I've tried AA before, but I need to deal with my stuff before I can sit in a room full of people talking about their drinking days (snore).
What I mean by snore is that, as an alcoholic, I've done all the stereo-types and all the stuff that people are hush hush about. In AA, the hush hush comes out and people just share their experiences, well when you have the same experience, I have not found it therapeutic to me. It is for some, just have not been that way so far, it does help a bit and is better than nothing. Yet, I did not want to go when I did have nothing.
Its a double standard or double edge sword? I Know that its better to go to A A than do nothing, yet I chose nothing because I'm uncomfortable at times going to AA for various reasons. Too many to list all of them. I do find myself questioning if its a mood or personality or a feeling and if whatever it is, is it real is this a result of something else, it is in my head, am i overreacting....
anyways, last night even though i brought up my feeling of how my husband is cut off from me and doesnt talk or share things with me and when he gets mad, he keeps it in without even asking me or telling me he is mad. I think he realizes it now and I realize that I need to ask him more about him. I think that I didn't care about him cause he didn't show interest in me. I need to make sure he understands this.... its hard for me to talk to him and tell him things, I feel vulnerable and its not a safe feeling. But it feels so good to be free of the pent up feelings. Its eurphoric...
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