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love

called love cause i love my husvand. hes the best and i love him so ooooooooo much. so today I went to do a volunteer interview at the courthouse. went good. have to do background and drug test and then I can work. I've decided to work on mondays and thursadys. sounds fun. then I came home. and unfortunelty, i got some alcohol. yes. I did. i thnk it was just the freedome to do it. not that i reallyt wannted it cause I really didn't. really. I didn't. but being able to do it, was a rush. no one watching me, not feeling bad cause i was buying it until after i realized what I did. and well. I said whattever. I don't have any commitements. but then I remembered i have therapy tonight. so..... I must stop. f

so it looks like I'll get to volunteer at tghe coursts. awesome. fun times!!! i'll be snowboarding soon. fuin times. except if my mood changes.

as I think about it. Scott has many times asked me on the ski lift whats wrong.... He said I look like I don't want to be there. (its my depressive mood) and I just say that I'm waking up stil and i'll get motivated. well it deptends. cause somethings he wants me to go down these expert runs. I can do it, but my anxiety kicks in and I freeze. He waited for me like a 1/2 hour or more to get down one time cause i was just inching. he said whats the problem,you've been down it before, but it was a differnt experience for me and I was just scared. For someone whos snowboareded endlessly for seasons, hes never asked if someothging is wrong. 'vwe blown up at him, cussed and everything and yet he is still my friend. I have to explain to him my considtion so he knows i'm not being a bitch just becasuse. hes a great friend and guy. good friend. and fun person to snowboard with. hpefully he will underastand my state of mine.

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