I'm high, 9 or 10. good stuff. I slept alittle more last night but felt groggy this morning and made myself wake up at 7 something. Its now 859 and I'm heating up a instant bowl of nooldle soup asian style. seasame chicken flavor :) I can smell it ... well I have notes to write down here earlier to reflect on. Its good stuff. so good that I got tired of writing and came to type it here since I'm going to type what I wrote down, doing double duty. So... as my moods go. I was thinking when having a cigarette was that I'm going to share things more with my husband. He hasn't said I don't but I know I don't.
Pause
Its like wearing different glasses. I'm thinking back on things over the years and realizing some things. Why I did some things and how I reacted and how I felt at the time and how it makes me feel now as opposed to then. Weird stuff. THis is the stuff I think about all the time with everything. I'm constantly going and going. I have to focus my energy on something or I go out of wack or I'm going to go out of wack.
So I started this blog two days ago and remembering back to when I had a diary, remembering that is how I met my husband. The person who read my diary. Well I read his first. I don't think he had as much posts as me. Its a werid thing to be thinking about right now. but I want to do more of analyzing of how we got together and where did it go wrong.... and how did we end up here and still together is a fricken miracle. We're both damaged goods but I guess I need to read up more on other people who suffer from bipolar cause I have no clue what to do with this information but also I don't know how to deal with the effects of bipolar.. The ups and downs and emotional swings that have gotten worse in episodes but maybe the new laptop and attention to the internet and being productive will help. I'm up from the depression part for now, I have to stay up here now.
I was thinking last night and just now that the ironic thing about this bipolar thing is I can look back at signs of it from the way I behaved at work and talking about my mannerisms to people. The ironic thing is I worked with Mental Health Professionals! I wasn't in a clinic, but in Administration. I worked side by side a Master of Social Work with 30 years of Mental Health experience and a PHD and other high ranking officials and not one of them thought or mentioned anything?? One of the Deputies would ask my husband about me. My husband still worked there in a different section of the department. Its for the county by the way. Mental Health department. They deal with clinics, patients, all kinds, state hospital conservatorships, etc.. drug and alcohol, anyways.
I have been an alcolholic hardcore for 5 years but drinking regularly like two weekends a month or something has been for the last 9 or 10. anyways. I went out on medical leave from my administration job from the mental health department. I went to a place that is also a service provider for county/state funded drug abuse programs. These programs take people who have been assessed and asked for help from the clinic, their money situation is assessed and if you have insurance, you can use it, which I did. but eventually, I didnt have insuarnace cause I was on leave and they only pay your health insurance for 12 weeks if you're on disability, which I was cause I was put off by the doctor that detoxed me. Anyways. I went three times. First two on my insurance last one was a county bed. The last time I had to detox 7 days in a house that holds 5 people. There was a room that had two beds for females. One bathroom, a bed that held two beds that were used by males when I was there, but at one time the counselor had told me that the whole house was female once for a week and then only had one guy in at a time for a couple weeks and I remember her pointing out that it wasn't the same guy, just always one guy leaves and only one comes so consistently one guy and the rest girls. Anyways, so two rooms had 1 twins and 1 rooms had 1 bed. I was always in the one room. The first two times it just worked out that way I think or because I had insurance and if they were county, they don't pay as much as my insurance will. the last time when I was on county it was cause I knew everyone! lol. I liked being there sort of. at the time I didn't like it. we were locked in a house. there were two tvs but thats it. what the heck did I do with my time? I thought and wrote, did suduku, read, exercised and when I had to move from detox to the residential, I had to go through their schedule.
I went to residential becuase they wouldn't detox me if I didn't go. So I said ok. whatever I have to do to detox, cause I was drinking uncontrollably. I'm sure I'll write about my drinking in detail, but know that I was a drinker. vodka in the morning and drinking two liters! I can't say that there was something terribly bothering me even now.. but I just remember wanting the freedom alcohol brings. Alcohol will take me out of reality with a few drinks. Thats all it takes to change my brain.
It would be for any reason I wanted. Sometimes, social, because everyone else is drinking, but thats where it would get me. I wasn't setting out to mood change, but a taste would kick in and maybe a good feeling starts, then I'm hooked. Why can't I feel this good all the time. What? I can between the hours of 6am until 2am by California law. So there were times when I would go to the store in the morning. not 6am but at 8. It had to be when it was daylight for me to walk. My husband took the car to work.
But that was more recent, thinking back further it was just a regular thing at times. But yes, it was used as my medicine. Therapists/counselors have said and I've heard the term before but didn't really realize thats really what it is. Its self medicating. Drugs, illegal, are self medicating for most addicts. We want to run away from things, change our perception, our thoughts and state of mind.
Everyone has a differnt reason why they do things, all I can tell you is about me and what I think and how I've lived.
Time to toke, too much thinking!
Pause
Its like wearing different glasses. I'm thinking back on things over the years and realizing some things. Why I did some things and how I reacted and how I felt at the time and how it makes me feel now as opposed to then. Weird stuff. THis is the stuff I think about all the time with everything. I'm constantly going and going. I have to focus my energy on something or I go out of wack or I'm going to go out of wack.
So I started this blog two days ago and remembering back to when I had a diary, remembering that is how I met my husband. The person who read my diary. Well I read his first. I don't think he had as much posts as me. Its a werid thing to be thinking about right now. but I want to do more of analyzing of how we got together and where did it go wrong.... and how did we end up here and still together is a fricken miracle. We're both damaged goods but I guess I need to read up more on other people who suffer from bipolar cause I have no clue what to do with this information but also I don't know how to deal with the effects of bipolar.. The ups and downs and emotional swings that have gotten worse in episodes but maybe the new laptop and attention to the internet and being productive will help. I'm up from the depression part for now, I have to stay up here now.
I was thinking last night and just now that the ironic thing about this bipolar thing is I can look back at signs of it from the way I behaved at work and talking about my mannerisms to people. The ironic thing is I worked with Mental Health Professionals! I wasn't in a clinic, but in Administration. I worked side by side a Master of Social Work with 30 years of Mental Health experience and a PHD and other high ranking officials and not one of them thought or mentioned anything?? One of the Deputies would ask my husband about me. My husband still worked there in a different section of the department. Its for the county by the way. Mental Health department. They deal with clinics, patients, all kinds, state hospital conservatorships, etc.. drug and alcohol, anyways.
I have been an alcolholic hardcore for 5 years but drinking regularly like two weekends a month or something has been for the last 9 or 10. anyways. I went out on medical leave from my administration job from the mental health department. I went to a place that is also a service provider for county/state funded drug abuse programs. These programs take people who have been assessed and asked for help from the clinic, their money situation is assessed and if you have insurance, you can use it, which I did. but eventually, I didnt have insuarnace cause I was on leave and they only pay your health insurance for 12 weeks if you're on disability, which I was cause I was put off by the doctor that detoxed me. Anyways. I went three times. First two on my insurance last one was a county bed. The last time I had to detox 7 days in a house that holds 5 people. There was a room that had two beds for females. One bathroom, a bed that held two beds that were used by males when I was there, but at one time the counselor had told me that the whole house was female once for a week and then only had one guy in at a time for a couple weeks and I remember her pointing out that it wasn't the same guy, just always one guy leaves and only one comes so consistently one guy and the rest girls. Anyways, so two rooms had 1 twins and 1 rooms had 1 bed. I was always in the one room. The first two times it just worked out that way I think or because I had insurance and if they were county, they don't pay as much as my insurance will. the last time when I was on county it was cause I knew everyone! lol. I liked being there sort of. at the time I didn't like it. we were locked in a house. there were two tvs but thats it. what the heck did I do with my time? I thought and wrote, did suduku, read, exercised and when I had to move from detox to the residential, I had to go through their schedule.
I went to residential becuase they wouldn't detox me if I didn't go. So I said ok. whatever I have to do to detox, cause I was drinking uncontrollably. I'm sure I'll write about my drinking in detail, but know that I was a drinker. vodka in the morning and drinking two liters! I can't say that there was something terribly bothering me even now.. but I just remember wanting the freedom alcohol brings. Alcohol will take me out of reality with a few drinks. Thats all it takes to change my brain.
It would be for any reason I wanted. Sometimes, social, because everyone else is drinking, but thats where it would get me. I wasn't setting out to mood change, but a taste would kick in and maybe a good feeling starts, then I'm hooked. Why can't I feel this good all the time. What? I can between the hours of 6am until 2am by California law. So there were times when I would go to the store in the morning. not 6am but at 8. It had to be when it was daylight for me to walk. My husband took the car to work.
But that was more recent, thinking back further it was just a regular thing at times. But yes, it was used as my medicine. Therapists/counselors have said and I've heard the term before but didn't really realize thats really what it is. Its self medicating. Drugs, illegal, are self medicating for most addicts. We want to run away from things, change our perception, our thoughts and state of mind.
Everyone has a differnt reason why they do things, all I can tell you is about me and what I think and how I've lived.
Time to toke, too much thinking!
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